Cold Heart and a Warm Cup of Jesus.

The window is open. I am taking care of my pages of homework for one of the most challenging Bible studies I have ever taken while my tea (made of honey and lemon) sits getting cold.
Rain coming down outside while my almost two year old is banging her Frozen dolls on the same table where I am sitting, singing "Let it go"....

Today is supposed to be one of those perfect rainy days, filled with perfect photos of my kids in umbrellas and rain boots, me holding a Starbucks Peppermint Mocha and my husband gently kissing my cheek in the rain.
Today is exactly opposite of that.
It is loud kids, the store next door running a generator and my dog barking when the sound of someone's car drives through the rain. My husband huffing and puffin about his car being out of commission and our financial situation just went from "let's plan something for Christmas" to a place that Christmas won't exist this year in our home. (Well the material version of it anyhow)
It is getting myself worked up today over caddy women and their back biting comments and botox filled faces in my cardio barre class today.
It isn't pretty. Nor is my heart.
I am really "over" this place called earth.  This place that we are temporarily living. It isn't a place of kindness or a place of growth. It feels like the air in an overly foggy sauna filled with a bad stench.
It disgusts me. Today, I am tired of wearing a smile that belongs on someone else's face. I wanna let out a scream and tell people off today. Especially mean people.
I am ready for Jesus to return. But first.. I must just vent, get some insight from God and then move on...

Lately, I have been a bit jaded.
I am really kind of tired of being nice to mean people. I can't even have joy anymore without someone just shooting me down with just one look. I can't offer help without someone taking their personal issues out on me. It makes me think that all the things that I learned from my father and God was just something to ruin me. To bring me to a place that makes me so angry and so over this world I want to move and live in some remote field that no one can visit.
After some thought, I wouldn't be happy there either - some random animal would probably piss me off too.


Then I thought as my little one is screaming "Let it Go" at the top of her lungs, banging her dolls incessantly on the table... "Maybe God is trying to tell me something?" "Perhaps, He wants me to 'Let it Go'.
Their she is holding two "women" from the movie Frozen, Elsa and Anna. She is banging them on the table over and over, clashing their faces together on occasion. If they were real, they would be screaming at each other but even more so to the one that is causing the banging of their heads.
Elsa would probably think she doesn't deserve it because she is above any kind of hurt because she is a queen. Anna would say she is the baby in the family and we should be careful because she is delicate.
Sophia (my two year old) is aware of the damage to the dolls however unless they asked for her to stop...and if in reality they did, I think Sophia would just drop them on the floor and run. However when I think about all this replacing Sophia with God, it makes better sense.


God allows us to "clash" with other people. It gives us the opportunity to get to see where people get irritated, annoyed or upset. We get the chance to push some buttons and really see what the limits are.  We get our buttons pushed as well.
We do this with our kids, our husband, our friends, family and neighbors. It pushes us into either sin or into grace because ultimately it is always about our response to the other person. Be a mean revengeful person or love on them till it hurts. Forgive and move on or hold a grudge forever.


There are boundaries of course but the main point is that we make a choice in the moment. I can get upset or I can look at everything that we know of this person from another perspective.
I have to make choices on what God created me to be, in the likeness of Him. He writes it so clearly in 1 Corinthians 13- Love is patient, kind, doesn't hold record or wrongs...
I have to come to a place before my Savior to thank Him even when I feel like the noise around me is reason to give up. I have to come before Him and apologize for not asking Him for the strength to stop my clashing. Asking for His guidance to know how to handle it without damaging the other person but allowing them to see Jesus, not me, Him.

Imagine God watching us clash with someone else. He allows it to happen (free will) but then one of the women, slaps the other one. The damages that have been done would and could create another issue- their mutual friends, the place of business they work in, family, church friends, outsiders etc.
Now imagine if it doesn't have that serious of an outcome... maybe they just say a few mean words to each other, maybe take the "passive aggressive" approach. Sarcasm perhaps. Then they turn to a friend and they pass on what happened to validate their side, never asking for prayer about it without giving details.
It isn't like this has not happened in my life...trust me.

It still has sad consequences. It causes division amongst people, friends, family, church members and even spouses. It does something so incredibly damaging that restoration may never happen.

With God's guidance, His Word and our obedience- those outcomes will stand before the Lord when we choose to be the "bigger person". It is hard to do but it is what is the right thing. The way that Jesus would respond. He would want us to have a moment and respond later in a more loving way. He wants us to continue to love on those that are difficult to love.

Matthew 5:46- If you love those who love you, what reward will you get?

Jesus was not loved by people who hung Him on the cross however He still loved them.
It is my decision to choose but the outcome will be either fruit or nasty vines. Turn my cheek, pull the plank out of my eye and love until it hurts... almost until death.
I must be willing to put the armor on and go out with a loving heart. I can let the world make me a jaded, grumpy, miserable Christian.  I gotta "Let it Go"....

So thank you Google Blogger.... I needed to vent.

Love

You bet!

Today I start my first DietBet with a few contestants from Biggest Loser. I am super excited to compete to lose 4% of my body weight for a chance to split a pot of over $19k! 

I really want to take Chadd on a trip and this might be the way to do it! 

I am praying that God would guide me in not only what goes in my mouth but what comes out of it. A season of self control indeed. 

One full month 

No carbs 

No sugar 

Lean meat 

Lots of Veggies 

Supplements daily 

Most important is my stretching and low impact exercise 

Adequate sleep 

You Bet I am gonna do my best! 

Love 

Anti Social Detox

The end of the year is approaching and again I am on my "Facebook Detox".  It is crazy the things that I have learned during this time as I don't plan on returning till January 1.
(I did, however, have to sneak on for a few seconds twice for a phone number and to accept a dinner reservation).
Other than that, there have been no status updates. No responses to the notifications (I didn't get any from anyone anyway) and I haven't used it to log on anywhere but Shutterfly and Groupon.

Problems on social media, yes. Problems for me on social media, yes. Do I desire to go back...maybe.

For over a month now, I have literally taken the time to observe people that are either on their phones for personal reasons or perhaps when I notice they are on Facebook and it was alarming what goes on.

For instance, I watched the group of women that take a Cardio Ballet Class at the same gym I attend this morning. They all were sitting around the room, face down, texting and scrolling without saying a word. A little boy (around the age of 3) walked around the room saying "hi" and the women just looked up for a second and then right back to the phone. This little boy did this a few times with several women in the room and then returned to where his mother was sitting and she, following the suit of the other women, ignored his cute little "hi" as well.

None of the women spoke a word to each other. I looked like the weird freak, sitting there looking around ready to talk to the first woman who complained about the weather or mentioned that she was tired. But, nothing.  I couldn't wait for class to start because it just felt weird. No socializing while WOMEN sat in a room.

This happened so many times during this course of the 30 days that I have been off Facebook and I actually felt more engaged in the world recognizing this. I feel that the phone and the social media have created a very harsh division between people but it is us that have decided to fall into the trap.

I can get caught up in other things like Pinterest or even Instagram if I am not careful. Thankfully though, I have recognized this disconnect and I find that I no longer desire to be a follower who may end up a zombie come apocalypse time. (hee hee)

Seriously though, I am thankful for taking this time off. I have enjoyed the evening sunsets, walks with my girls, watching their faces wrinkle up with laughter and listening. Yes, listening.
We think that we are listening to our children, friends, husband when we are on social media but really we are not. It is like saying that we are listening when we are reading a romance novel while listening to someone yell that a train that is coming. Facebook draws us into other people's lives and gives us no reason to listen to someone that we can engage later. The person sitting before us is cheated and the Facebook post is more intriguing. We have to know what is going on now. We cannot wait. So we "like" it before it gets away. The person before us whether is it is our kids or husband, are always going to be there so we tend to put them on hold, like putting down that romance novel you can read later.

My kids have been better behaved since my "detox" and I believe it is because I am paying attention. I am listening and I am engaged. I don't feel bad for not knowing that someone bought a new car or has to go to the bathroom or that their child won another mediocre award at school for showing up on time.
I find that the more that I get away from Facebook, the closer I become to those who take the time to meet up and have a coffee or get together over the weekends. I found more time with God and that has been the most fulfilling time for me.

Finding a balance is difficult because the culture that we are in is all about social media. There are times that I find myself "bored", however I think back to the look on that little boys' face, the one who will never be 3 years old again and may never socialize with people face to face because he was taught not to.


So here is to another 30 days and a detox that hopefully brings even more joy!

Love
Chanda

That's Amóre....

Friends come into our lives at different seasons for different reasons.

This is something that I have come to know all to well over the course of this last year. 

I met this woman name "Penny" last summer as I took my girls to the pool. She is my neighbor in my building one floor below us. She is from the Bronx, blessed with her beautiful Italian accent and one of the very classy ladies with a soul like no one I have met.

Once we became friends, Mati began to draw her pictures and run up to hug her like she was her own Grandmother. Penny has no children of her own but loves on mine as if they were hers.

Her husband passed last year on December 2. He had Alzheimer's. Penny took care of her ailing husband day in and day out for the past 3 years, watching his health deteriorate while all the while loving my girls, bringing them treats and love. 

She and I prayed together. We talked. We cried. Although Penny is about 20 years older than me, I felt like we were old friends just waiting to meet again. 

God knew what she needed but really He answered my prayers in the same blessing. 

My mother and I have never connected in some maternal, mother daughter connection, ever. 

I never felt validated for being sad or upset. Having feelings meant being to emotional, a "cry baby" or even better "to sensitive". 

Sometimes in my life, I don't look up. I don't look around me, I just need a minute to focus. 

Last night, once again, over Italian food, a bottle of wine and some delicious gelato...God lifted the veil and showed me that He had a "replacement" for a mother. A woman with a loyal heart, empathy of a saint, a joyful smile to listen. 

She is truly a blessing to my life. She held my hand at one point and said "I love you". My heart almost burst. It was like those few words filled a 43 year emptiness. 

God-Thank you again for the blessings that you bestow upon me, the discernment to know what is best for my life and an understanding of what love looks and feels like. 

"A friend always loves and a brother (adoptive mother/sister in Christ) is always there to share troubles". 

Proverbs 17:17 

Amen 

Plan it Earth

It's quarter to 5. I am sitting in a big comfy chair, lazy. My girls are playing music, playing with dolls and dressing up in about every costume they have. 

Dinner? I don't have a plan. 

Sometimes my OCD, time management filled life just doesn't have a plan. 

If I lived this way each day, I couldn't imagine the shrapnel that would fly around from injury. 

Dishes would pile up, we would sleep in our clothing and wear them the next day, dolls, clothing and toys strewn through the house. 

We live in a pretty small apartment so I don't even think a week could go by that someone here wouldn't hesitate to scream "Enough!! Someone clean up this  place!" 

(That scream would most likely come from me) 

Sometimes these "lazy" days are ok. It frees me of the control that I think I have over all the details of being a housewife and mother. It gives me a chance to sit back and think, dwell in God's work, relish in the girl's giggling and plan a different approach for another busy week. 

Today, before I had this great opportunity to be lazy, I was in Bible study and we were talking about God's plans. 

Now talk about never being lazy! He has a plan set in motion for all of us. He never goes away or sits around and writes a blog. (Although I think it would be the most liked blog out there) 

He is constant and always working in our lives even as I sit here, lazy. 

His work is in others to disciple others or us. His work is in the cancer upon a child. His work is in the neighbors who come beside the family who lost their friend. 

He doesn't "leave us of forsake us". He cleans up the proverbial dishes and gives us a clean plate to start over with. 

I know when I am lazy where it is not bringing glory to God and then I know when I need to be lazy and stop and acknowledge His goodness. 

I see how good He is in these times where my dishwasher and washing machines are quiet and my girls are screaming octaves that break the glass. 

I am thankful for lazy, thankful, praising Him filled days. Now to rotate laundry. 

Great is our Lord, and abundant in power; his understanding is beyond measure. Psalm 147:5

Amen 

Shut up

I just finished studying a part of my bible study homework and of course as usual, I have read this particular story many times but didn't "get it" like I did this time. 

The study was the story of the Walls of Jericho, Joshua and the trumpets. In one verse, sorry I can't recall off the top of my head (maybe Joshua 6:8?), Joshua tells the army that God's instructions were to be quiet and not to say a word as they march around the city 6 times. They will proceed to march around 7 times but the first 6 times, they will not "utter a word". 

If it was me and God told someone to tell me to do this same thing, I would be complaining the first 10 minutes into this march, walk, skip around the walls of Jericho. I would be yappin my mouth about why do we have to march, who said we did, do we trust this guy? Etc. 

These men had to march 6 times in silence and thankfully they obeyed. Some of the guys probaby failed as I would have but then I thought...maybe when God gives instructions, I should just be quiet and maybe wait 6 minutes, hours, days before answering or making a comment? Maybe ponder like Mary did instead of opening my yappin mouth. 

On the 7th day, the trumpet sounded, the men shouted to the Lord and the walls crumbled only to prove that a victory is won only when we obey God's instruction and not our own stupid mouths and direction. 

So sometimes before I make a decision or answer a question, I don't listen or wait. This story that I have read and told to little kids really made me realize that "pondering" and praying needs to be a larger part of my life instead of yappin and responding. 

Thank you God for this insight today. 

I'll shut up now. 

Love blessings in Him

Amen 

Stuff

As I sit and listen to the humming of the city streets in my "ivory castle" in the suburbs, I am reminded of how infinitely blessed I am. Just sitting here. Not spending money or eating some ridiculously amazing meal (chocolate would be good), but just sitting in this little vintage chair, in its chipped and peeled glory. 

I can't imagine being in a country where I feel scared to be at home. In countries that are under attack and persecuted for having a Bible in their home, here I am just sitting in peace. 

Prayerfully, I know that God is in control and that He will provide and protect, however I feel very dissatisfied with "stuff" that I have either collected or thought I needed. I feel immediately at a loss for the wasted time I have spent on unneeded whining over ridiculous meaningless arguments with people when I could have used that time with those in need. 

This place is a self centered field of wants, needs and desires that I have played in. I thought I needed the next new thing or that another party would bring some kind of fulfillment in my life. It doesn't. It won't and it never will. 

It is the learning to love others and making sacrifices to give things away that you treasure; knowing that they are treasured by someone else, more than you could imagine. 

Blessing a family with new socks and jackets. Watching a mom smile and cry because her kids get some new shoes. 

As I "sit" here, I wonder whom I will meet, whom I will come to serve. This "stuff" isn't my stuff and my needs have been met and my wants are unnecessary. 

It is the true stuff in our hearts that matter and I want my heart to be someone else's cherished "stuff". 

In love in Him.. Amen